Dear N.,

You used to mean a lot to me, but now I feel very little for you. If I focus enough, I can sense some kind of disgust and maybe a bit of anger. It’s so liberating to finally see you, for who you are. I let you do to me what you did, that’s on me. I fell into your trap (that you didn’t even know you set), it’s on me. But I’m so glad it happened because if I got over you this instantly after our last interaction, I think I will deal with the likes of you better in the future. You have no power over me anymore and I hope I can use what I learnt to avoid any other narcissist from a mile.

You’re nothing more than a narcissist with average social skills. I won’t even spend my energy in trying to explain this to you anymore because I realized I never had a chance. You’re no better and no different than any other narcissist, and I failed to see that somehow, even though all my life I’ve been dealing with them. My mother, all my bosses. No wonder I attracted you. No wonder you attracted me! What I wonder is how it took me 3 years to get to this epiphany, when even after a few months I saw very accurately who you are, and I outgrew you in a year. Of course, luckily, by that time I trained you just as well as you trained me: I got so depressed that you didn’t even want to ask anything of me, it was perfect as it was. When you did ask something, I refused, because I just couldn’t stomach you anymore. But I didn’t know that then.

I’m not saying we didn’t have nice moments, because we did. But it was built on rotten foundation and it rotted as soon as I realized what the building blocks were. Which was when you (I can’t believe I even have to write this down) came back just to tell me you found another me. Just read that again, let that sink in. You did that. You came because you felt guilty -rightfully so- and wanted me to give you redemption and tell you it was my fault. Well, let me rephrase what I initially said. It was totally your fault! You refused to grow and so I stopped letting you in, and then you felt bad about not being god anymore and left. Thank God you did! I can’t express how grateful I am about that now.

You left to find the next person who lets you do that to them. Sure, not consciously. Keep telling yourself you didn’t look for the next girl and she just appeared. You wanted this all your life and you feel empty if you can’t suck the life out of another human being.

I learnt that there is no masculine energy in guilt-tripping someone. I always thought that you see masculinity in such a right way, but, (not at all sorry to say) your behavior is that of a little bitch’s :). You kept me small so you can seem bigger. And every time I wanted you to grow with me we got in a conflict. You never owned me because it was never consensual in the real sense of the word. It was just as consensual as beating a woman who has nowhere to go. I built my own prison, yes (that’s what you call consent, right?) with the blocks you handed to me; and as soon as I realized that, you had no way of keeping me in there. I know. You’ll never see this. You live in your own prison, the prison of being incapable of change and only capable to perceive what reinforces your shield personality. You couldn’t change if you wanted to, what kind of control is that? You are held captive by your own God complex, and you built a life of little to no adventure and show a facade on the internet so that you never have to think about the difficult road of self-improvement and you never have to feel anything. You’d much rather do anything else than admit you need to adjust. And that makes you miss life.

I cared about you, with a love that I thought was unconditional. Of course, it wasn’t. I came to you because you’re a narcissist, just like you came to me because I was depressed and weak. This was not love. Neither of us are capable of actual love right now. The difference is that I won’t stop searching for help and doing the work, while you’ve given up on the essence of life completely, live in your head until that dreaded moment of death comes where your ego dies with your God complex and you die with it.

My bad was that I even entertained the thought that you have the ability to do better and that I can be the person to help you. You never care to see beyond your own reflection. I failed to see it of course, because I couldn’t see you in your natural habitat and, as all narcissists - please don’t think you’re in any way special- you constructed a facade of the perfect man, the image you wanted women to see. The projection you think you are because you ignore whatever doesn’t fit the picture. Also, I was looking for a narcissist to change, because I couldn’t change my mother, my exes, or my boss. How comfortable it was not being able to change you!

I loved the insecure, authentic, actually human sides of you that you showed (oh so rarely) because you trusted me (oh so little). I gave them as much love as the fake personality you showed me, the one with the God complex. But you never learnt to love them or to love me for loving them. And I took that as my own failure, but this last interaction changed that. It’s on you, man.

Just try to find some posts on reddit on how to deal with narcissists, because I did. I did three years ago, a year ago, and I never accepted what it said. “Don’t.” Don’t deal with them, get away from them, that’s what it said and I kept trying to disprove science, and the opinion of every single person who ever met a narcissist. And my own inner voice and experience as well!

You’re not perfect, you’re pathetic, and I say that word because you called me that so many times. If I am pathetic for my mental health issues, you are definitely pathetic, and unfortunately you have much lower chances to ever start healing because you don’t even realize how broken you are. Every person is broken. And what makes the difference is realizing you’re broken and working on healing yourself. But you won’t do that until you reach rock bottom, and you never will because your life is basically purgatory. You say no to the opportunities of life because… I don’t even care why.

I’m possibly the weakest person you’ve met, and I still try every day. I know how pain feels, I know how your guilt felt that made you contact me. I know how it is to not be able to not do something about the emotions and just sit with them. Thank you for contacting me because it made me hit that rock bottom which still hasn’t been hit before (surprisingly) and finally understand why I meet so many narcissists. I finally can say no to each and every one of them. Like little anti-heroes in video games, I need to get away and get over all of you so I can finally battle my core wound which is my mother. I was a tool for you, you were a tool for me. It’s all good.

You, my friend, are the first man I actually got over and about whom I can look at the situation without limerence. Congratulations! You managed to drive away the one person who knew you and cared for the real you the most. Good luck hunting, consuming, and discarding the next one. Good luck faking your entire personality to everyone else. I wish for them to realize who you are, and fast. But if they don’t, if they are in any way smart, they will outgrow you just like I did. Just like everybody who is not broken or wants to stop being broken outgrows you. Fuck a million chicks, or marry the next broken girl that gets in your way, I do not care. That made me smile. I really don’t! I pity the woman who gets in your way, though. I thank God for Iceland and for that one moment of clarity that initially broke the spell, or else I would have been stuck with you forever and kept in my prison of stagnation.

You just want someone to see you and love you. We all do. Good luck.

As I write these words, I realize how hard it is to be you. Acknowledging what it takes in order for you to get better is tough, almost impossible. I thought you could do it, I wanted to help you do it. I couldn’t get you out of it.

But I forgive you, and I know there’s hope for you. I hope that this letter reinforces the message: get therapy and get your life back from whoever took it away by abusing you and making you need this maladaptive coping mechanism.

I can finally see you for who you are. And it makes me not even think of you that often.

Goodbye.

Emma